Ponderosa Beauties
by Cazzychaps
Summary: Joe gets his first opportunity to make a cattle deal on his own. He does a great job and his family are impressed. The only problem? He had to tell a little white lie to get the deal done. Will it come back to bite him?
1. Chapter 1

"Now you remember, Little Joe. Sacramento can be a mighty dangerous town on your own." Ben completed the last of several lectures on the subject.

"I know Pa. Stop worrying. I'll look after myself and get that beef contract. You don't have to worry." Joe beamed his most confident smile at his father.

Ben, who was seated at his desk, completed the necessary papers for Joe to take with him on his first solo business trip representing the Ponderosa.

"I hope you won't give me any cause to worry. Will you?" He tilted a skeptical face to his youngest.

"Sure won't, Pa. I'll make you proud."

"Yeah, right about the time you get a wire from the sheriff of Sacramento, telling you to come fetch Joe outta jail." Hoss burst into laughter at his premonition. Adam joined in with a chuckle and comment of his own.

"Or maybe some irate father will just fill him full of buckshot and run him out of town before the sheriff even gets a look see."

"Yeah," laughed Hoss.

Joe turned and glared at his two conspiring brothers. They sat at the breakfast table lingering over coffee. The food was long gone.

"You'll eat your words, brothers. You're just jealous 'cause you ain't goin' on this trip. You have to stay here and brand instead." Hoss and Adam's faces fell once they were reminded of the hard work coming up over the next few days.

"You just hurry back, Little Joe," Ben piped up from his chair. "There'll still be plenty of work left for you."

"Yes sir." Joe's expression fell as he gathered the papers he needed and stowed them in his saddlebags. But the thrill wasn't squashed for long. As he waved to his father and rode away, pride and excitement swelled inside him. This was his chance to prove to his family that he was grown up and responsible. He intended to do a mighty fine job.

Three days later, a dusty and weary Joe alighted from the stage. His tiredness didn't dampen his spirits for long, as he brushed the dust from his city clothes and took in the exciting sights and sounds of Sacramento. Eager to prove his brothers wrong, he strode straight to the hotel where the Cartwrights always stayed. He'd make Hoss and Adam eat their words about him being incapable of closing a business deal on his own.

A couple of hours later, bathed and rested, Joe dug out the paper upon which Ben had written the address of the man he was to see about buying their cattle. He was a new buyer, one they'd never dealt with before, which actually pleased Joe. It meant he could represent the Ponderosa in his own way.

Full of confidence, Joe set off in the direction of the building. It was adjacent to the cattle yards where the Cartwright's beef ended up each year after the fall drive. He entered the front door and stopped in front of a desk.

"I'm here to see Mr Rowan." Joe smiled cheerfully at the young lady who kept books for the cattle buyer.

"Whom should I say is calling?" The girl, obviously taken by Joe's bubbly personality and young handsome features, looked him over keenly.

"Joseph Cartwright, Miss." He took off his hat and beamed a smile that she returned with enthusiasm.

"Yes, right away. I'll tell Mr Rowan you're here." She backed out of the room into another office, and Joe grinned. When his business was concluded, he might just ask her out to dinner. There were some fine restaurants in town, and Adam and his father weren't the only ones sophisticated enough to wine and dine female company in such establishments. While he waited, he cleared his throat and practiced his 'serious' voice. He wanted to make a good impression.

"Mr Cartwright, welcome."

Joe turned and saw a silver haired, distinguished looking gentleman enter the room. His hand was extended in readiness for a handshake.

"Mr Rowan, it's a pleasure to meet you sir." Joe shook the older man's hand firmly.

"And you." Rowan looked Joe up and down and a slight frown crossed his face.

"You're younger than I thought you'd be. I'd heard the Cartwrights were experienced cattlemen."

"Oh, we are, sir!"

"How many of you are there?" Rowan crossed his arms and his frown deepened. Joe was worried the meeting was already off to a bad start.

"Four of us sir: my father, my two older brothers and I."

"And your father sent his youngest son to talk to me about important business?" Rowan was obviously not impressed.

"Yes . . .sir." Joe cleared his throat, feeling more than uncomfortable. He had to make this man trust him and his ability. "I may be young sir, but I'm mature beyond my years. My father trusts me implicitly."

"Hmm!" Rowan got up and walked towards the door to his office. "Well boy, come along. I don't have time to waste with idle chatter."

"No sir." Joe hurried into the room behind him and tried to calm his nervousness.

"So Joe, tell me about your family."

"My family?"

"Yes. I'm a family man. I don't believe in dealing with anyone who doesn't hold traditional family values high in their estimation."

Joe relaxed a little. Family values were something the Cartwrights did have in abundance. Perhaps the deal would go right after all.

"Oh, you've got nothing to worry about there, sir. We Cartwrights are good, honest, churchgoing folk. My father crossed into this land with John Sutter many years ago. We cherish the land and value our friends and neighbors. We help anyone in need and feed those who can't fend for themselves."

"That's good boy. And your own family?"

"We take care of each other, if that's what you mean." Joe was puzzled about where the conversation was leading.

"And your wives? How do they feel about living on a ranch?"

"Our wives?" Joe felt a terrible pain in his gut.

"Of course. You can't be good family men without taking good care of your wives and children." Rowan tipped back in his chair and stared at Joe.

Joe panicked. He thought, no assumed they were married! All of them? It sounded like he set a great store in married men. Joe fumbled in his brain for an answer that wouldn't anger the man.

"Well, Pa is a widower. My mother died many years ago."

"Ah yes, many men have to suffer that fate. Still, having three married sons to give him grandchildren must ease the burden, eh boy?"

"Er, yes sir."

"You see, Joe, I believe if you deal with settled married men, you are dealing with honest men. For, once marriage and commitment tie down a man, he is anxious to provide for his family and its future. He's less likely to cheat and double cross. He's got too much at stake. That's why I only deal with good, family men."

"Well, never you fear, sir, we are all good . . . family . . .men." Joe tried hard not to choke on his words.

"You're a mite young to be married, boy."

"Oh no, sir, not really. I'm almost eighteen, sir. Nothing like getting married young and starting a family right away. Just like you say, nothing like marriage to make a man honorable."

Joe was feeling more uncomfortable by the minute. He hadn't exactly said he was married, but of course Mr Rowan took it that he was, along with his brothers. But, the little white lie didn't seem to matter, for once Rowan had established that the Cartwrights were "family men" he was more than willing to do business with Little Joe.

After two hours, Joe left the office feeling like a king. His brothers and father were going to be so impressed with him. He'd managed to secure a sale of one thousand head of cattle to Mr Rowan come the fall round up. Not only that, he'd managed a price that was two dollars a head higher than the one Adam had got the year before. Strutting like a peacock, he exited the building thinking about a night of celebrations on the town. He thought about going back and asking the office girl to dinner, but on second thoughts, that could be dangerous. Just because he hadn't actually said he was married, didn't mean he hadn't led Rowan to believe he was. It was much better not to jeopardize his good deal.

"Well, what do you know about that!" Ben beamed a smile at his two older sons as he stepped from the telegraph office.

"Joe's in jail, and we've gotta go fetch him?" offered Hoss.

"No, he's broke and lost the money for his stage ride home," predicted Adam with a touch of smugness. Ben looked at the pair and shook his head with pride.

"No, boys, not this time. It looks like your little brother has come of age. He writes that the deal is signed for one thousand head at two dollars a head more than last year. He'll be home on the noon stage Friday." Ben crossed his arms and looked at the disappointed, sour faces his sons pulled.

"But he can't possibly have done that without gettin" into trouble," whined Hoss.

"He's right. You sure he didn't ask to send money?" Adam grimaced and scratched his ear with frustration.

"No, boys, neither one. You just have to face it. Your baby brother is growing up, and after this, I expect you to treat him more like the adult he's becoming."

Ben was pleased with himself and the plan he'd forged. Adam and Hoss needed to see that their brother was becoming a man and needed to be given some responsibility. It sounded like Joe had been equal to the task, and he was glad for his youngest son's sake. Having two older brothers to coddle you wasn't always the best way for a young man to learn to survive in a mostly savage world. This had been a very good lesson, for all of them.


	2. Chapter 2

"Here's the mail Pa." Hoss ambled into the house one evening in mid summer. This was the busiest time of the year, and the Cartwrights were all tired from the day's work. Ben was trying to get the paperwork up to date. Adam had just returned from the range and was removing his chaps in preparation for a bath. Joe was by the cold hearth trying to re-stitch some tack, while Hop Sing bustled between the kitchen and the dining table.

"Anything for me?" Adam asked as he dumped his dusty chaps on the sideboard.

"Missa Adam, you take those to bathhouse. Hop Sing sick of cleaning up after messy men." Adam, as tough as any cowboy on the range, quickly whipped the clothing behind his back to appease the little Chinese cook. If the men he commanded could see him now, Ben chuckled to himself.

"Nope, ain't no mail for you big brother. Not even nothin' from that fancy woman in San Francisco who sends you perfumed letters."

"Oh, what's this?" Ben teased. Adam frowned and rushed over to Hoss.

"Nothing Pa, and she's not a fancy woman. She runs a very respectable bookstore and let's me know when she gets books in I'm looking for." Adam defended himself much to Hoss's amusement.

"Yeah, sure, brother, like books is what's on your mind when you go to San Francisco."

"Now you just hold on a minute-"

"-Boys, boys. Let's not start anything tonight," said Ben. They became silent but gave each other a 'we'll continue this later' stare. Hoss knew Adam didn't like to have his private life discussed, and he felt like teasing his sibling.

Joe, out of the argument for once, spoke up from the sofa where he was sitting.

"Was there any mail for me then, Hoss?"

"Now who would be writing to you, younger brother?" Adam crossed his arms, still glaring at Hoss.

"As a matter of fact, Little Joe, there is a letter for you." Hoss shuffled the correspondence and threw a letter across the room. It fluttered down to settle on the edge of the sofa.

"Really? For me?" Joe was just as surprised as anyone else was. Adam couldn't help himself and added.

"You mean one of Joe's friends actually learned how to write? It's a miracle."

"Adam!" Ben's even but commanding voice broke in and Adam, unhappy with the situation, started his retreat towards the bathhouse.

"I wonder who it's from?" Joe tore the letter open, ignoring his brother's smart remarks.

"Well maybe you've got yourself a secret admirer," Hoss offered.

Hoss and Ben waited for Joe to read the first few lines. They watched him closely to see if they could guess who had written the letter. Adam's departure to the kitchen was slowed as he too watched his brother.

"Well?"

"Umm, oh, Pa it's a business letter." Joe smiled and looked at his father.

"A business letter . . .to you?" Hoss burst out laughing.

"Yes to me!" Joe stood up and strode proudly over to his heckling brother. "I'll have you know it's from Mr Rowan, the gentleman I did the cattle deal with."

"Don't tell me he's reneging," Adam asked from the kitchen door.

"No! He's coming to visit as a matter of fact. He says he was so impressed with me he wants to spend a week at the ranch to see the operation. What do you think, Pa?"

"Oh, er well, we're pretty busy at the moment, but I suppose we can make time. Make sure you write to him and tell him we might be out on the range a lot of the time. I also have to make that trip to Carson City for the rail contract. But, it would be advantageous for him to see the ranch, of course. I'm sure you'd look after him if he comes in my absence."

"Of course, Pa!" Joe smiled smugly at his brothers. "I'll go upstairs and get started on the reply right away." Joe turned and ran up the stairs two at a time. Hoss and Adam had no comeback now. He was being taken seriously at last.

It wasn't until Joe got to his room and read the end of the letter that his stomach began to churn in a sickening way. He'd forgotten about the first part of his conversation with Mr Rowan.

_ My wife needs to take a vacation and I'm sure the mountain air will be excellent for her. She's also most anxious to meet your wives. She's very interested in how ranching men treat their women and what tasks they have to perform to survive in the relative wilderness. I also look forward to meeting your brothers and their wives as well as your lovely lady. Please let me know if the first of next month is a convenient time to visit. It will be so nice to stay with a traditional family, if only for a few days._

_Regards, Alan Rowan_.

Joe read the passage over and over again but there was no changing it to read any better. Mr Rowan was coming out not only to see the cattle, but to inspect his family and their 'wives'. He gulped dramatically as he thought of the humiliation of explaining that they had no wives. That was unthinkable. As soon as he found out that Joe had lied, he would take the contract away and humiliate him and his family. He had to fix it somehow.

As Joe thought about his predicament during dinner, he turned more and more pale. Adam was the first to notice that Joe was off his food and looking mighty ill about something. With his brother's frequent glances, Hoss took notice also and recognized Joe's odd behavior. Ben thankfully didn't seem to catch on.

After dinner, Joe excused himself and went out to the barn to put away the tack he'd been working on. As if of the one mind, Adam and Hoss trailed after him, determined to find out what was going on. They found Joe leaning on a post moaning, holding his head as if it were ready to burst from too much thinking.

"Okay Joe, out with it!" Adam sidled up next to him and crossed his arms.

"Yeah, Little Joe. We know you're worried about somethin". What you done?"

"What gives you that idea? You two are always on my back about somethin'!"

"And with good reason," Adam replied evenly. "If you've done something really dumb you'd better tell us now before Pa finds out."

"That's right Joe," added Hoss.

Joe looked up at his two bigger brothers. It wasn't fair. He'd finally done something worthy, and now he was going to lose all the hard won respect he'd gained. But he couldn't think of a way out of the situation. Perhaps three heads were better than one. If they lost the beef contract, that would be far worse than taking flack from his brothers, wouldn't it?

"Okay." He gulped and turned pale.

"Just tell us from the beginning. Nice and slow," said Adam.

"Well, it's like this. You know that beef contract I got?" His brothers nodded. "Well, I kind of had to tell a little white lie to get it."

"Like what?" Adam frowned. It wasn't like Joe to lie. And what on earth would he have had to say? The stock was good, the price was fair, and they always delivered on time.

"Mr Rowan wouldn't buy from us unless he thought . . . we were good . . .family men," Joe stammered.

"Huh, what did he mean? We're a family." Hoss cocked his head to the side and scratched his forehead. Adam had a terrible idea he knew what Rowan meant.

"Yes, Joe, just what did he mean by 'family' men?"

"He only likes to deal with . . . married men." Joe gulped and plonked himself down on an upturned crate.

"Huh?" Hoss still looked perplexed.

"Which means, little brother, you told him we were all married to get the deal?" Adam scowled.

"Not really, I never actually said it! But I guess I didn't tell him we weren't either."

"But you knew you were letting him think we were married." Adam sighed. He'd come across men like Rowan before. Usually, Adam could talk them round, but of course Joe had little experience with such obstacles in the way of business.

"Yeah, I guess I did, but there didn't seem any harm in it. Who'd a guessed he'd come out here and want to meet up with us all . . . and our 'wives'," Joe squeaked.

"Oh Lordy!" Hoss exclaimed. "He's comin" here and expectin' to find us with wives?"

"Yep, and he's bringin' his own wife to meet 'em."

"Well, there's no way out Joe; you'll have to write him and tell him the truth," said Adam.

"I can't do that! He'll cancel the beef contract. You know how Pa is counting on that money to expand the ranch operations. I heard him say just this morning he's already put some of the money up as security on that piece of land down by Snake Creek."

"He's got a point there, Adam," said Hoss. "We can't afford to lose that contract. Not only that, Rowan might be so mad about this he could tell the other buyers not to deal with us too. You know how those Frisco men can stick together."

Adam sighed and started pacing the barn. He put his hand to his chin and began to think.

"If we can't tell Rowan the truth he'll find out soon enough when he arrives."

"Yeah, I mean we can hardly make wives appear out of nowhere can we?" Hoss chuckled, but Joe's face lit up like fireworks on the fourth of July.

"Why not?"

"Why not what?" Adam said, spinning around hoping he was wrong about Joe's new plan.

"Why can't we get some wives? I don't mean real ones. We could . . . rent some."

"Rent wives? Are you mad?"

"Why not? There's a stage load of new saloon gals comin' in next week. I heard Harvey at the Bucket of Blood talkin' about it."

Adam barely held his temper in check. He walked up beside his young brother and willed his hands not to wring his neck. In a severely controlled voice, he replied.

"Look, Joe, it's very simple. We can't 'rent' wives. We can't pretend to be people we're not. It's not honest or fair. You get that hair-brained scheme out of your head right now."

"But what are we going to do about Mr Rowan?"

"I'll take care of Mr Rowan. I'll simply tell him the truth and talk him round. I've had to make my share of convincing arguments over the last few years."

"Adam's right, Joe. It'd be better all round just to "fess up."

"And Pa?"

Adam smiled at his brother's worried tone.

"If we do this right, there might not be any need to involve Pa. Especially if he's out of town."

Joe turned a helpless shade of green all over again. He would owe Adam big time for this. That was assuming Adam could talk Mr Rowan around. If he couldn't, well it just didn't bear thinking about!

"All right. I'll leave it to you." Joe slumped onto a bale of hay and contemplated a grim future if things didn't work out the way Adam thought.

Long after Adam left the barn, Joe was still chewing over the situation. No matter how much he thought about it, he couldn't see the formidable Mr Rowan being satisfied by anything less than Cartwright wives. Joe knew Adam was good at swaying an argument, but surely he couldn't fix this problem. There was only one real way out of the situation, and Joe had to take action.

He'd ride down to the Bucket of Blood first chance he got to see about the new girls coming in. Surely it wouldn't hurt to run his idea past a few of them, would it?


	3. Chapter 3

Adam woke from a deep sleep to the sound of a distinctly female scream. Sitting bolt upright in bed, he peered out his window that faced the mountain at the back of the house. There was no sign of anyone. He must have been dreaming. There weren't any women on the Ponderosa save for a couple of the hand's wives who had their own cabins a mile or so away from the main house. No, he must have dreamt up the sound.

Stifling a yawn, Adam got up to start his day. Ben was in Carson City attending the railroad meeting, which would probably stretch out over a few days, so Adam was in charge of the ranch while he was gone. Not only that, the distasteful chore of meeting with Mr Rowan was due to take place that afternoon. He was due in on the noon stage, and Adam had been working out his strategy all week in his mind. It would take some fancy talking to get them out of the sticky situation Joe had landed them in.

Adam was confident in front of his brothers, but privately he was worried at the outcome. At least his father wasn't around to see the tragedy unfold. By the time Ben returned, Adam hoped to have everything smoothed over. Either that, or have Joseph hanging by his thumbs in the barn!

As he rode into town for the meeting with Rowan, he was starting to get very worried. Not because of his difficult task, but because he hadn't spotted hide nor hair of his two brothers all morning. They were up to something. He had a gut feeling about it, and his gut was rarely wrong. He hoped they weren't planning something stupid. Joe had promised not to. Perhaps he was just keeping his distance out of guilt. Adam surely hoped so. He couldn't work miracles. Especially after Joe and Hoss launched one of their schemes into play. He felt more and more uneasy as he drove the buckboard towards town.

Adam watched the stage round the corner of main street, pushed himself away from the wall of the stage office where he'd been leaning and made a concerted effort to stand up straight and square in preparation for his meeting with Rowan. He'd started to relax, as there was still no sign of Joe or Hoss in town. Maybe they had listened to him after all.

Yet, all his nerves flooded back as the stage rolled to a stop. He was so intent on waiting for the passengers to alight he barely noticed the cool, smooth arm that slid into place around his. It wasn't until he felt the fine silk of a long flowing skirt brush his thigh, that he turned to see who was beside him. Adam was startled to find a tall, willowy brunette attached to his arm. He was lost for words as she turned cool blue eyes towards him and said quite simply,

"Hello. I'm Theodora, your wife. Just call me Teddy." She winked and let a confident yet cheeky smile pass her lips, leaving Adam speechless.

"Mr Cartwright, I presume?" Adam tore his gaze away from the strange woman beside him at the sound of Rowan's barked greeting.

"I, er yes." Adam somehow remembered to offer his hand in welcome, as the man alighted from the stage. Who was this woman beside him, and where had she come from? It had to be Joe's doing. He was going to kill his little brother for this!

"Alan Rowan's the name."

"Adam Cartwright."

"Ah yes, Joe's eldest brother." Adam swallowed. Rowan was indeed formidable. His black eyes bore straight into Adam's soul. "And who is this delightful creature?" Rowan turned his gaze to the woman clinging to Adam's arm.

"This . . . this is . . ." Adam swallowed.

"Theodora Cartwright, Mr Rowan." The brunette extended her free arm and held her hand at kissing height. Rowan took the offered limb and pressed a kiss to the back of it. "Adam's wife," she continued. "I'm so glad you could come to visit. We've so been looking forward to it, haven't we darling?" Teddy turned her eyes back to Adam, and all he could do was try not to gape.

"It's splendid to meet you both," Rowan continued. "May I present my wife, Hillary."

Adam turned back to the coach and watched as Rowan's wife alighted. She was the epitome of high society snobbery. Adam had seen such women at the opera in San Francisco. She looked down her nose at him before he had a chance to greet her. Adam guessed she was along to see if her husband was dealing with the 'right kind of family.' She sniffed as he offered to take her hand in a greeting.

"Mr Cartwright, Mrs Cartwright," she said abruptly, giving the woman at Adam's side a thorough stare. "I hope your ranch can afford some relief from this dreadful heat." She pulled out a jeweled fan and ignored Adam's hand.

"Er yes, of course. I have the buckboard ready."

Adam didn't know what to do about the situation he found himself in. Here he was, in a buggy with Mr Rowan and his wife, along with an instant wife of his own. That 'wife' was in the rear of the buggy talking incessantly to Mrs Rowan. The only thing Adam knew about her was her name. He didn't even know if it was her real name. But, it seemed she was very well informed about the Ponderosa and him, as she rattled off family stories that were heavily tainted with Joe's opinions. She was keeping the Rowan's occupied with polite chit-chat, which was probably just as well. Adam was in no mood for idle banter. He was in the mood for a hanging. Joe's to be precise.

During the ride, he found out just how fond of talking Teddy was. In fact, he was sure she could talk the leg off an iron pot, as the saying went. Not only that, her repertoire of clever lines and family stories soon ended. She began to talk to Mrs Rowan about strange things, such as face cream, hot iron hair curlers and something called a

French braid. Adam surmised that it was hardly riveting conversation for the cream of San Francisco society. Imagine if he were really married to her! The thought was frightening.

Apart from the awkward situation of suddenly having a wife, Adam's mind raced ahead to what he might find at home. He'd been away from the house for several hours. There was no telling what Joe could accomplish in such a long space of time, with or without Hoss's help. Adam's stomach churned sickeningly as he followed the main road to the house.

The first thing he noticed was how untidy the yard was. This surprised him. The yard was usually neat, but not today of all days. There were chickens flying all over the place, as if there'd been a fox about. Tools were scattered dangerously on the ground. An old wagon with one wheel off sat tilted on it's side, and Cochise, Joe's horse, was untethered and nosing the flowerpots on the porch. Just as they pulled up, the pinto ripped a delicate flower from its stem, thus knocking its pot onto the porch and smashing it into a hundred pieces. Cochise replied by nodding his head gleefully and eating the flower.

Adam didn't have to glance at Rowan to know he was looking at the whole scene with deep disapproval. He cringed at the visitor's next comment.

"I say you can always tell the quality of a man's beef by the way he keeps his ranch."

"This is highly unusual sir, I'm sure my brother can explain." Adam spoke loudly in the hope that someone would come out of the house and save the situation.

Movement. Out of the corner of his eye, Adam saw the frilly curtains over his father's study move. Wait a minute, frilly curtains? He squinted harder to see if he was imagining it. Nope, he wasn't. Where there had always been heavy orange drapes, there hung some frilly pink curtains. He swore the person at the window was Hop Sing. Joe must have enlisted his help in this grand scheme as well! Adam got down from the carriage quickly in an effort to get his guests away from the bedlam of the yard and into the house.

All of a sudden, a scream sounded from the back of the barn. The carriage horses became nervous, and Cochise pricked his ears up with interest. Next thing, a flurry of skirts and petticoats came bolting around the side of the barn and into the front yard. The underthings were accompanied by ear piercing screams.

Then, everything happened at once. Cochise reared with fright, and Adam lunged forward to grab his bridle. But the horse danced sideways and kicked with his back legs. Pa's good rocking chair went flying up and into the wall, smashing the remaining flowerpots on the windowsill. The skittish horse then bolted, re-scattering the chickens as he went. Adam overbalanced and ended up in the dust where the horses hooves had been.

This was all too much for the normally mild mannered carriage horses. The flapping clothes, Cochise's flight, Adam's fall and finally the fleeting fowl, convinced them to bolt. Adam, recovering from his fall, rolled and stood up just in time to see the carriage, complete with the Rowans' and his fake wife, hurtling back down the road. All he heard Rowan yell was something in the nature of 'you'll pay for this'.

Adam turned to the source of the screams. Two women, one incredibly short and the other just as incredibly tall, stopped in front of him. They dropped their skirts and looked frantically behind them.

"Help us, it's going to kill us!" Both women ran behind Adam and clutched painfully at his dust-covered arms. Then, the next thing to round the house was poor old Daisy, Hop Sing's ancient milk cow. The bell around her neck tinkled softly, as she trudged over to Adam's familiar form. The girls screamed again, almost bursting his eardrums.

"Come on girls, hold it down. Daisy's not going to hurt a fly." Adam put a finger in his ear and rattled it in an attempt to clear the ringing.

Before anything further was said, Hoss and Joe appeared. They were covered from head to toe in mud and stank so bad Adam could smell them ten feet away. He was so angry with them he didn't know where to start. First things first, they had to go after the Rowans. Adam took command.

"Joe, catch Cochise and get after the wagon before it crashes!" His voice boomed louder than Pa's usually did. Joe did as he was told and ran to fetch his wayward horse. Cochise by this time was on his way back to the barn, so Joe whistled to him, vaulted neatly onto his back despite the slippery mud covering his body, and started after the runaway conveyance.

"You two have really done it now. The Rowans are in that wagon!" Hoss screwed up his face with sickening fear.

"Adam, we didn't think-"

"-No, you never do. Kindly tell me how you got like this," he waved his hand at Hoss's filthy clothes, "and who these girls are. No, let me guess, Mrs Little Joe and Hoss Cartwright?" Adam's voice dripped with sarcasm as he turned to the girls.

"We were going to pretend to be their wives, right up until we got to this horrible ranch," squealed the short girl. "They never told us this was going to involve savage wild animals! They said we would be Queens of a glorious empire." Both girls glared at the brothers.

"Well, I think Rome has well and truly fallen," muttered Adam under his breath.

"You only have to put up with it for three days." Hoss tried to calm the two girls. "And you've already met most of the animals. Daisy's not savage, she just want's to be milked," said Hoss dejectedly.

"I wasn't talking about her being savage. I was talking about that pig!"

"You let the sow out?" Adam was morbidly fascinated. Nobody was brave enough to go near that bad tempered creature. Hop Sing always slopped her from a distance. She had a tendency to charge anyone, especially when she had piglets.

"Not on purpose, Adam. We thought the girls would like to see some piglets, so we tried to get a couple. Next thing, old sourpuss charged us . . . and well."

"Yes, I can see the result." Adam looked at the mess around him. "Hoss, you go dunk yourself in the stream and clean off. I'll put the yard back into shape and you girls . . ." Adam looked at the pair of them. They were as different as chalk and cheese to look at.

"What do you want us to do?" The tall girl looked at Adam with suspicion.

"How about you go inside and help Hop Sing with the evening meal. That way you'll be safe from any . . .wild animals." Adam wanted to add his brothers to that dangerous list, but it was far too late for warnings now. Apparently the girls thought that was a good idea, and they disappeared into the house. Hoss had hurried off too, so Adam cleared up the yard as best as he could.

Ten minutes later it looked a lot more respectable. Adam glanced up as he put the last tool back into its place and saw the wagon returning. It seemed all the passengers were intact, thank goodness. Joe was still covered in mud, and looked like a wild man sitting astride his pinto. Adam gathered his thoughts. What was he going to say to the Rowans? How could he get them out of this mess and still keep the beef contract? He didn't have any idea.

As the wagon came to a squeaky halt, Adam rushed forward to help the disheveled passengers alight.

"Never mind boy, we can do this ourselves." Mr Rowan's face looked like thunder as he climbed down, then he reached for his wife who was looking bewildered.

"We have a nice room picked out for you, I'm sure you'll be comfortable."

"Let me tell you this, young man. If it weren't for the fact that night will soon be here, we'd be going back to town right now. This is the most disorganized, shabbily run ranch I've ever seen. I plan to make a full report to the cattleman's association next month."

"But sir, if you let me explain . . ."

"I will not! Now, show us inside. My wife is feeling poorly."

"Yes sir." Adam looked around for his brothers, but they'd both deserted him again. How did he always get stuck taking all the flack? Once the Rowan's were out of the wagon, he put his hands up to help Teddy out. She looked seedy also. Just as she climbed down, she made Adam's day by announcing she was going to be sick. He was sure he'd never made it from the front yard to the outhouse so fast in his life. The day was only getting worse.


	4. Chapter 4

Joe didn't think things could get much worse either. Nobody at the dinner table was speaking. The first monumental mistake was made when Adam mixed up Hoss and Joe's wives. Mr and Mrs Rowan had been introduced to the right brides when Adam had been tending to Teddy's illness. He'd assumed that the tall girl, Rita was posing as Hoss's wife, but she was in fact supposed to be married to Joe. Joe hadn't planned it that way, but as soon as the little petite Sally-Anne latched her eyes onto Hoss, she wanted him as her 'husband.' That left Joe with Rita, who towered over him by several inches. Not only that, she had a mass of thick blonde hair that was piled up almost as tall as Hoss's hat. That made her height seem all the more intimidating to Joe.

Not only was her height a challenge, she was darn scary too. She wasn't charmed at all by Joe's boyish good looks and winning smile. She'd let him know how displeased the three girls were with the arrangements.

When Joe had approached the girls, they'd just arrived in Virginia City and had no place to stay and didn't know a soul. Joe thought they were the perfect solution to his problem. He offered them room and board along with all of Hoss's savings-as he didn't have any of his own-to pretend to be their wives for three days. How could he have known that they'd never set foot on a ranch before or experienced farm animals at close hand? Hadn't everyone?

The next mistake had been changing the great room to make it look like women lived in the house. The girls had spent all morning making feminine curtains out of cloth they'd bought in town. They'd also filled the house with flowers, which had been nice, right up until Hop Sing had found that they'd raided his private gardens to get them. The little Chinese cook flew into a rage and refused to cook a decent meal. So, for their grand dinner they'd suffered through clear soup and leftover stew.

Joe had to try and save the situation. Adam had long since given up trying to coax their guests around. Hoss just kept hiding his eyes every time he looked up. Sally Anne had her cap set for him, and Hoss was feeling mighty uncomfortable about it.

Teddy was feeling better, and she'd regained her passion for talking. Her drone-like voice was the only thing that starved off the silence. Yet, by the time the last plates were cleared, even she had run out of topics. Yes sir, it was certainly a big mess.

"Mr Rowan, sir, I know things didn't start off well today, but perhaps you might give us one more change. We cut out a small sample of our cattle for you to inspect. It would only take a couple of hours to see them. That way your trip won't be a total waste."

"I'm sorry young man, but nothing you can say will make me change my mind about all of you. I think you are too immature to be running a ranch the size of this one. If I were your father, I'd be very, very worried right about now."

"Good guess," Adam mumbled under his breath. Ben always worried when he was out of town, and with good reason.

"We'll retire to bed now, goodnight to all of you." Mr Rowan stood up and helped his wife as he went. The pair was staying in the downstairs guest room. Joe visibly shuddered when they finally closed the door.

"Well, that went well don't you think?" Joe listened to the sarcasm drip from his eldest brother's lips.

"Leave it, Adam. We all know how bad this is. There's no need to rub it in."

"Don't you dare tell me I'm tossed out of my room tonight because of the girls." Adam furrowed his brows; his dark eyes menacing.

"They are all going to sleep in Pa's room. We fixed up an extra bed in there."

"Well, its nice to know your brain wasn't totally disabled when you landed on your head in the pig pen."

"All right, I've had enough! I know this was a stupid idea, but we're stuck with it now." Joe's temper flared.

"Keep your voice down," Rita demanded. Joe's anger defused in the weight of Rita's wrath. She was rather like a cross between his spinster teacher, Abigail Jones and Betsy-Sue Hightower. He was darned scared of both.

"I know, we'll try and get to know Mrs Rowan," suggested Teddy. "She seems a reasonable sort. Why, for a moment there this afternoon, I actually thought she was enjoying the runaway carriage ride."

"Are you kidding?" answered Adam. She'll tear you to pieces. Please, don't do anything else, or say anything else. Tomorrow we'll tell them the truth, won't we Joe?"

Joe sighed and felt utterly defeated.

"Yeah, tomorrow."

"And you boys had better not try and sneak into our room tonight to catch a peak at us with our nightgowns on!" Rita got up and rounded the table and stood next to Joe. She towered over him and he cringed. "I've got my eye on you, Joseph Cartwright. If I think you're taking advantage of us, I might have a good mind to report you to the sheriff."

"But, but, you're getting paid. You all agreed. We won't do anything to compromise you."

"That's right Rita. We did make a bargain. We can't go back on our word now," said Sally Anne.

"Sure Rita. We have kind of had fun, haven't we?" Teddy smiled and made sense for once. "It's only two more days. Let's see if we can't make things right."

"Well, all right, but I'm watching you." Rita poked Joe's chest hard to make her point.

"Yes, Ma'am."

Everyone fell silent again and contemplated the following day. The only noise in the house was coming from the kitchen, where a still livid Hop Sing crashed pots and plates together in a sustained rage only he had the talent to maintain.

"After yesterday, this had better be worth it!" Mr and Mrs Rowan were again in the buckboard. Adam was riding close to the side of the wagon on Sport. Hoss was behind on Chubb and Joe was driving the buckboard. Adam had done his best all morning to appear cool and professional at all times. He'd showed Rowan the outline of their five year plan for the ranch, the improved pasture land and even given him a glimpse of the main herd as they worked their way to the southern corrals. Joe and Hoss had offered very little in the way of conversation.

"Again, I want to apologize for everything that happened. But I'm sure you'll see that our beef will speak for itself."

"I hope so, Adam."

Mrs Rowan surprised them all by speaking up.

"Oh Alan, don't be so hard on the boys. Their wives told me this morning that they've been trying to teach them to get used to large animals. When poor Teddy, Sally Anne and Rita explained to me that they came out as mail order brides from the east, having never set foot on a ranch, well I just right away understood their plight."

"Mail order brides?" Adam mumbled.

"Oh, it's all right Mr Cartwright. I understand how poor, simple farm men like yourselves would have terrible trouble finding a decent woman who'd be willing to marry up with you."

"Oh really?" Adam, who felt totally humiliated with her description of them, didn't comment any further.

"Yes, but I do say shame on you for not telling them a bit more about ranch life, so they knew what they were getting themselves in for.

However, they are willing to learn. Why, they even decided straight after breakfast that that they were going out on the range to help make the cattle ready for showing us today."

"They did what?" said Joe with amazement.

"They were going to get the prime cattle ready to show us. They felt bad about what happened yesterday."

All three Cartwrights looked at each other. They'd thought the girls had decided to make themselves scarce by going to their room, never imagining they might have come out to the pasture to attempt to herd cattle.

"They don't know how dangerous steers can be!" Hoss thought of cute little Sally Anne being attacked by El Toro Grande.

"Not only that, they could be hopelessly lost trying to find the cattle we intended to show Mr Rowan," added Joe. "I don't think they know how to ride or anything!"

"Don't you worry now, boys. Those wives of yours are smarter than you give them credit for," Mrs Rowan answered. "They took a couple of the hands with them. And a wagon of supplies, if I remember correctly."

"A wagon?" Hoss was puzzled.

The boys were dreading their arrival at the corral. They'd cut a small selection of their premium quality cattle out of the main herd several days before to show Mr Rowan. With the girls out there, anything could have happened by now. The steers had probably stampeded into the creek and were at this very minute stuck in one large mud bog, awaiting rescue.

But the scene they found was quite different to what they'd imagined. As the buckboard and riders made their way steadily towards the corrals, a strong sweet smell wafted across the grassy plain. Hoss screwed up his nose.

"What's that dadburned smell?"

Joe stopped the wagon, and Adam halted Sport beside him. He squinted and tried to make out what was happening below. He blinked several times. Then, he shook his head violently, shut his eyes, then opened them again, but the result was the same.

"Adam, do you see what I see?" Joe asked in a worried tone.

"I'm afraid I do."

"What do you see?" Hoss cantered up and leveled with them on the rise. He took a long hard look, then glanced at his brother's stunned expressions, then back to the spectacle. He was the only one prepared to actually speak about it out loud.

"Do I see cattle wearing . . .pink and blue bows?"

Adam dipped his head in embarrassment and pulled his black hat low over his eyes. This was the ultimate in humiliation for a cattleman.

"No, Hoss," Joe interjected flatly. "You also see them wearing green and yellow bows too."

"I was afraid of that." Hoss swallowed as if downing nasty medicine.


	5. Chapter 5

Mr Rowan didn't comment; he just stared with a dazed look. Mrs Rowan, however, unexpectedly squealed with delight.

"Don't you see what those clever ladies of yours have done? They've made those horrible beasts presentable. Let's go see!"

All the men turned in horror and stared at her. She was mad! All the women were! Mrs Rowan took no notice, snatched the reins from her husband, and set the buckboard moving. The Cartwrights hid under their hats as best they could, as they followed along and approached the weird sight. Even the horses seemed to be dragging their hooves in protest.

As they got close, they noticed the red faces on Hank and the other hands the girls had commandeered. Teddy, Sally-Anne and Rita stood in the middle of the corral, surrounded by two dozen glossy, freshly washed cattle that smelled like something out of Hop Sing's extinct flower garden.

Their fringes and tails were platted and intertwined with ribbons that matched the wide colorful bows tied around their necks. To the side of the corral was the trench they usually used for a cattle dip. Inside was some kind of white frothy stuff that was all over the ground and some of the men.

Bubbles!

Adam nudged Sport alongside the dip and figured out what they'd done. They'd filled the entire dip with water, French perfume and bubble bath! He looked up and into the eyes of the hands. They all went red in the face, glanced away and shuffled their boots. If anyone off the ranch heard about this, the Cartwrights would be teased until hell froze over.

What was most incredible, was the fact that the girls stood amongst animals that were usually hard to handle and dangerous. But, contrary to all the Cartwrights knew about cattle, the animals stood there as placid as you please. Not only that, Rita was still combing the bull's fringe and he seemed to be almost asleep.

"What do you girls think you're doing?" Adam finally asked. Sally Anne, the bravest of the three, answered him.

"Well, we felt so bad about yesterday and last night, that we thought we'd surprise you all and get the cattle ready for showing. Back home in Boston, this is what we did for a living. We had a store where women could come and be pampered and dressed up like royalty. We thought we'd start the same type of little business when we came out west, but we soon found out there's not much call for it in these parts. Then, we had to find other means to support ourselves."

"Like becoming mail order brides," said Teddy to clarify their status.

"I see," said Adam. He really didn't see at all.

Suddenly, Mrs Rowan scrambled down from the buckboard and hurried over to the corral.

"Don't they look precious? I never would have thought cattle could look so pleasant. You girls have performed a miracle on these beasts, haven't they darling?" Rowan raised his eyebrows at his wife in surprise. How long had it been since she'd called him darling, or even smiled? She was grinning like a loon at this very moment.

"You like them?"

"Well, I still say they are horrible creatures, but just look how these girls have transformed them."

"Well, no self respecting tick's gonna wanna live on them animals now. That's somethin'," said Hoss.

"They're the sweetest smellin' cows this side a' heaven, nothin' surer," added Teddy.

"I think we did a fine job, despite your attempts at making us feel inadequate!" Rita flashed an angry glance at Joe.

What if Pa sees them?" Joe got down from the wagon and went to look at one of the bows up close.

"He's not going to see them." Adam, finally fed up with the whole mess, turned to Mr Rowan and cleared his throat. Rowan was just as dumbfounded as the rest of them. He was still staring at the cattle with a measure of disbelief and fascination.

"Sir, we've done you a disservice."

"How's that, boy?"

"Well, sir, my younger brother has a confession to make, don't you Little Joe?" Joe bristled at Adam's authoritative tone.

"Do I?" Joe didn't think things could get much worse. They weren't going to keep the beef contract now, not after this little turnout. However, Adam was right. Trying to cover up the truth and telling white lies in the process never worked.

"Mr Rowan, Adam's right. We've been deceiving you."

"You have?" Rowan's dark eyebrows knitted together.

"Yes. You see, these charming ladies aren't really our wives." Joe hung his head for a moment, then looked up with clear unwavering sincerity. "When you said you'd only deal with family men, I guess I panicked. Our meeting was the first real chance I'd had to prove myself to my father and brothers. I led you to believe we were married, then when you said you were going to visit, I asked these good-natured girls to pretend to be our wives. They'd just arrived on the stage from the east, and I'm afraid I took advantage of their need to find lodgings and a job."

"I see." Rowan didn't give anything away in his facial cast.

"So, against Adam's advice to tell you everything up front, I went ahead with my plan anyway, but the girls had never seen a ranch before. That's why things have been so crazy. We scared them with the animals, and made fools out of ourselves in the process. I'm truly sorry sir, I don't blame you for being sore and refusing to have anything more to do with us. I'll have Pa return your advance money as soon as he gets back to the ranch."

They all waited while Mr Rowan digested the information. Then, they got an unexpected ally.

"Oh, Alan, don't be mad at them. This is a marvelous outcome." Mrs Rowan bustled back to the wagon and beamed a smile at each of the humiliated Cartwrights. "They only meant well, and besides, if the girls don't live here, that means they can return to San Francisco with us."

"With us?" Rowan gave his wife a look of bewilderment.

"Naturally. If these girls can make these stinky old cattle look good, imagine what they could do for my society friends. I'm going to start a business and employ Teddy, Rita and Sally Anne to make all the ladies beautiful, for a small fee of course."

"You mean, you ain't mad at us?" Hoss asked from behind his hat.

"Well I'm not, and if my husband has any sense, he won't be either. Not if he wants some peace at home for the next few weeks!" She shot her husband a warning glance.

"You really mean that, Ma'am? About taking us to San Francisco?" Teddy and the others raced across from the corral.

"You girls have a great talent. It would be a shame to waste it out here. No offence to the Cartwrights, of course."

"Thank you," Adam managed humbly.

"Well, looks like I don't have much say in the matter." Rowan looked over to Joe. "Young man, I admire your honesty, although next time I suggest you be forthright with the truth. It was wrong of you to try and deceive me, that's true, but I suppose there's no harm done. I'll stand by our agreement."

Joe's pallor turned from pale white to its usual healthy tan.

"Yee HA! Did you hear that Hoss? We're back in business."

"We sure do thank you, Mr Rowan. You ain't gonna be sorry!"

"We really are very grateful for your understanding, sir," added Adam.

"Just promise me one thing, boys."

"What's that, sir?"

"Please don't deliver my cattle dressed like that!"

They all started to laugh as they turned to take another look at the beauties the girls had created.

"Here comes Pa. You don't think anyone told him, do you?" Joe, more nervous than a frog in a skillet, watched his father ride in slowly from town. Adam had a look of skepticism on his face. It had been several days since the Rowan's had visited. They'd bribed the hands that knew about the 'cattle show' with bonuses so they wouldn't tell anyone in town about it.

The girls were safely on their way to San Francisco, and the Rowan's were happy to keep quiet. There didn't seem to be a need to worry, but somehow, Pa always managed to find out things.

"I'd say it's an even bet Joe."

"I'd start prayin' if I were you Joe," added Hoss, who tended to agree with his big brother. All three boys came out into the yard from the porch to welcome their father home.

"Hi Pa, successful trip?" Joe's huge smile didn't seem to make Ben suspicious.

"Just fine Joseph."

"Welcome home, Pa." Ben dismounted from his livery horse and shook all his son's hands, happy to be home.

He chatted about his trip as they walked back into the house. Adam, Hoss and Joe began to relax. Ben didn't appear to be any the wiser. It wasn't until he'd shut the front door and went to go up the stairs to wash up that he had the last word.

"Oh, by the way, boys."

The three Cartwright siblings all looked up to the staircase, where their father was poised on the landing.

"Yes Pa?"

"Ran into Roy Coffee in town. He told me to give you this, thought you might have . . . lost it." He pushed his hand into his back pocket and extracted a large piece of brightly colored material. It wasn't just any old material. It was a bright pink bow. The boys froze, as they looked at it, then glanced back at their father.

"I think I'm in for some interesting dinner conversation, don't you?" Ben raised one quizzical eyebrow, draped the bow over the banister and left his 'boys' to ponder the lecture they were sadly still young enough, in Ben's eyes, to receive.


End file.
